Soloists as Parental Caregivers

by Terri Lonier

As the global population ages, an increasing number of soloists are facing the challenge of caring for aging parents. This additional responsibility often generates unexpected stress – and consequences – on the self-employed. If you’re facing this situation in your own life or expect to soon, here are some tips on how to handle this new dimension to your life. They’re based on the past three years of facing these issues with my own parents.

1. Take Action.
Self-employed professionals are, by nature, doers. We take initiative and make things happen. Assess the health and lifestyle environment of your elderly parents or relatives and make a plan. It’s too easy to become complacent and hope that the situation may improve. It might, but most likely, your parents’ health will continue to deteriorate. It’s far better to deal with a situation in an environment of planning and control rather than facing a health emergency and scrambling to resolve the issue.

2. Be Transparent.
Major life changes are a stress to anyone at any age. Throw in the dynamics of parent-child relationships and sibling interaction and it can become a powder keg. The best approach is to be 100% transparent in all your dealings, whether medical, social, or financial. You may think that your parents should be “protected” from the truth, but in reality, they will appreciate your honesty more. Be tactful in your choice of words, but don’t hide or contort the facts. When it comes to finances, make sure all parties have access to financial details. Power struggles will only increase the stress.

3. Play to Your Strengths.
If you’re a wizard at organization but inept at finances, delegate that aspect to someone else, whether an outside professional or a sibling. For example, when it came time to sell our parent’s home, my older brother, a real estate professional, was the natural choice to manage that transaction. Similarly, my younger brother has sold items on eBay for years, and was able to put his skills and knowledge to work when we cleaned out the family home of 50+ years. I served as defacto “project manager,” putting all the pieces together and organizing elements such as required paperwork and shipping goods across country.

As a high-performance soloist, you may be tempted to tackle this on your own. Don’t fool yourself. Parental care is a major project, and one that may extend for several years. Make it a shared responsibility, and let everyone put his or her individual skills and talents to work.

4. Stay Flexible.
While you can make detailed plans for parental care, life is rarely that neat. Be prepared – emotionally, psychologically, financially -- for the unexpected, the delays, the crises. One week your parents may be strong and independent, the next they may need you more than ever. Navigating this ever-changing emotional terrain can be exhausting, and it’s important to keep a broader perspective.

5. Reach Out.
Taking on the role of caregiver – whether on your own or shared with siblings or other professionals – can be stressful. It is difficult to see your parents in decline, and past emotional issues can surface. If you’re on your own, the isolation can be particularly difficult. The good news is that the aging demographics mean that there are a growing number of professional resources to help you. Reach out to peers for references and referrals. There are also countless informational resources available online.

6. Practice Self-Care.
The person most often overlooked in the caregiving scenario is the caregiver himself or herself. If you find yourself in this role, be sure to carve out time for yourself. You will need time to process the many emotional and physical demands placed upon you. Try to maintain the basics: enough sleep, exercise, and a balanced diet. Don’t underestimate the need to replenish your own spiritual well. Pamper yourself in small ways – whether it’s a brief solitary walk, a half hour with a good book, a hot bath, or some other small indulgence that you’d ordinarily dismiss as “no big deal.” In periods of heightened stress, these small rituals can make a big difference to sustaining your energy and emotional balance – which your parents will need.

7. Streamline the Demands Upon Your Time.
As a soloist, if you take on the role of caregiver, your business will need to accommodate the change. Thinking that you can “squeeze in” this added responsibility is a mistake. Take a hard look at your business and make some decisions about where you can streamline your workload. Some areas may be outsourced to contractors or colleagues; other areas may be put on hold or abandoned. Try to be as realistic as possible, knowing that you are taking on at least a part-time job and sometimes a more-than-full-time responsibility.

8. Recognize This as Transitional.
The months or years you spend in assisting your parents in the last stages of their lives may be exhausting, but they will not go on indefinitely. Whether a brief period or an extended time, these months and years will have been an important element in their lives as well as yours. Try to maintain this dual perspective of context – the all-consuming now and the larger framework of your entire life. Most of all, remember that it is a choice – to give back to them all that they have given to you.


Without a doubt, there is little that is “easy” about being a caregiver to an aging parent. I hope these insights from my own experience will help you travel your own path with less stress and more personal satisfaction.

You may also find my article on Important Paperwork for Parental Caregivers of value.


Copyright 2006 Terri Lonier. All rights reserved.
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